I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
