thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Is it penis luge time yet?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
