I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
