i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
