I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
