im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
