My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
