YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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