I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
