Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
3 2 1 whiskey
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
