Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
only if we run a train.
done.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
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