I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
