dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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