hotel room ftw
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
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