I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
