Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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