This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize