i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
You can't special order awesome
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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