I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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