god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
