talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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