We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize