yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
