i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
