And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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