Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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