My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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