This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Success! We fucked roommates!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
