Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
