Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
