its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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