i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
