I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
