you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
