my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
