??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
