I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
