So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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