Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
