I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize