I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Randomize
