The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
