i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
