Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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