she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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