I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
