I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
