I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
