I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
