Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize