just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
