you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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