best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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