I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
