and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
