While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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